College

Before the start of my senior year in college I had a 3.78 GPA...I had aspirations to go to the University of Pennsylvania to participate in their MBA/MA -Lauder Program or to another prestigious university, like the University of Chicago. But unfortunately for the past year I've felt less motivated, even angry with professors (to the point where I had a heated discussion about reversed sexism with the head of the French program from the literature department). My GPA is now a 3.42, which is still not bad but it's not a good description of how serious I take school I feel. This quarter I've been oddly getting really good grades though when I haven't really been trying. For example, I wrote one of my French papers the day of the deadline and I got an A on it. Now I feel like I should actually study really hard for my final exams, but I can't seem to get myself to do it. I just simply don't want to. I don't even understand why...when I'm reading sometimes I enjoy the material but I always get so damn bored. I have another year left to go since I'm double majoring, but it took some convincing from my friends to actually consider completing it. I wanted to just graduate already the next quarter after coming back from France...but they're right, another year won't kill me.

I don't always understand my own feelings...but I have come up with some theories as to why I'm so dissatisfied with school right now. First, I'm not wealthy, in fact, I get no help from my family...I share a tiny one bedroom apartment with my two friends (it is in La Jolla however so I guess I shouldn't really complain about that). So if I graduated right now, I would be about 60,000 times better off financially. But the returns from schooling go beyond income. One extra year of school would allow me to write honors theses, to study advanced Spanish, and to increase my GPA...all of which will increase my chances of getting into a good graduate school and allow me to fulfill some more of my thirst for knowledge. So the debate is money vs. knowledge.

Another theory is that I like to go on Youtube all the time and press the headphones tightly against my ears while listening to M83. Maybe this is not only distracting me but also messing up the inner workings of my brain.

Then, there's the heaviest theory...I don't want to live forever. Why the hell am I here, sitting in lame lecture halls, working for some bitch and a coward, being surrounded by a massive amount of Asians that I can't relate to (FYI, there are many Asians that are near and dear to my heart, but none of them attend this university)...when I could be out in the real world. When I could live in L.A. where my dad and brother lives, where I could see my cute little niece whenever I want, where I could be with the man that I'm step by step falling in love with. I've been in school my entire life, I want to know what it's like to really be alive before I die.