Older men

When friends turn 21, there's nothing more obvious than to take them out clubbing and bar hopping. A high school buddy from L.A. just turned 21 last week and hadn't had the chance to go to a bar yet, so we went to Silverlake for a drink and then headed over to West Hollywood to another bar and eventually to Rage... It was there at Rage that my friend got to see a side of me that he had never seen before - I'm into older men, something that I myself don't fully comprehend.

After a small break we headed back to the dance floor...and right before we started dancing an older man's eyes met mine...and he frankly signaled his interest by smiling and nodding his head. Me and my friend started dancing and I kept looking at this guy. He then walked closer to us and took the seat that was nearby us. Man, if I weren't buzzed I would not have been able to have handled such an interested man observe me dancing... Every now and then I'd look over to make eye contact with him, and he'd just smile and stare at me, making it clear that he was soon going to approach me. I started to feel that maybe I should stop looking at him, that maybe leading an older man on is not what I want to do right now. But I couldn't have helped it, I liked his attention.

So they made the last call for a dance, which was when my friend finally noticed this man. I hadn't even realized though that my friend noticed him looking at me...it wasn't until later that he told me that he saw him gazing at me with great intent. The song finished so my friend and I naturally started to walk away from the dance floor and headed toward the exit...and the older guy just appeared right in from of me and asked me what my name was. My friend I guess saw that coming because he had walked toward the wall and took out his phone to attend, or pretend to attend to it like a second before.

He told me his name and then said that he liked the way that I danced, which was a pretty typical compliment I thought, but right when he said that they started playing another song so appropriately he asked me to dance with him. It was a pretty slow song so he took advantage and pulled me in closer. I tried to keep our conversation casual, but he went right into his status report. He doesn't drink much, but he smokes, he's been in two long term relationships that lasted both about 7 years, and he's 44. That's right, 44. I had already told him that I was 21 and when he said that he was 44 we both looked at each other knowing that what we were getting into was kind of wrong. He then joked by saying that he was old enough to be my daddy and then hugging me pretty damn tightly. At that point I mentioned that I could always use more friends in L.A. He quickly replied saying "what I need is you." He wasn't going to let it go. We kept dancing and the conversation finally became a little less aggressive...I really didn't know how I felt about him...I felt kind of excited by how honest his remarks were, like after I told him that I'm from San Diego he mentioned that he was willing to get a hotel for us down there. Then there was the boner he was getting a few seconds after we had started dancing... My friend kept staring at me with this look of confusion, discontent, but also even a bit of humor. Looking at him I thought, you know what I have my own interests, and part of those interests are older men. So me and this guy kissed, it wasn't the greatest kiss but I liked the way his rough shaven face felt.

This is where things got a little too carried away, after exchanging numbers this random guy, standing alone leaning on a pillar, was just smiling at us. Of course these two guys knew each other, and pillar guy takes my hand to introduce himself to me, and he holds my hand tightly and asks my friend if I was his ride home. My friend went right ahead and said, "yeah, we came together and we're leaving together." So then pillar guy tells me that I better call his friend...and finally he let go of my hand.

I went home discussing with my friend how I know that I shouldn't make or allow any further advances, but that I want to. 44 is not in my relationship or dating territory, but something inside of me that I don't understand wants him to conquer me.

A few updates

So here are a few updates regarding unclosed topics I've written about in previous posts. The pretty boy I was talking about in my last entry is, (sadly for him!), STRAIGHT!!! Damn metrosexuals, who do they think they are leading on gay men???

When I wrote about coming out, I mentioned that I was dying to tell one of my friends that I'm gay but just couldn't get myself to do it. Well, I finally did it! I did it this past Friday; we haven't hung out again yet so I don't know how that's going to change our friendship, but she reassured me that she was glad that I decided to have my sexuality be out there in the open. I feel pretty damn accomplished...just thinking about how when I started college I didn't picture myself coming out to anyone until I had graduated. Wow, that would've been sad. Being closeted is so damn lonely; the way I saw the future and how I planned things out for myself were really dispiriting to say the least. The images of my future that I had in my head were always characterized by some sort of alienation. I really feared being shut out and humiliated for being gay, and ironically that was what I would plan out for myself. I projected moving to Paris and never returning to the States, losing contact with my family, even losing contact with my American identity, just simply forgetting about who I was in the U.S.. But fortunately, I've become a much more confident person who isn't ashamed of being gay.

In regards to studying in France and moving to Montreal in the future, the plans are still on. Just wanted to clarify that I'm not heading to these places to get away from my life here, instead it's to strengthen my French...living abroad is just my way of taking advantage of being trilingual (Spanish is my third language)...and Montreal isn't just a bilingual city, it's a multilingual city and when I visited Montreal I really felt at home there because of that and also of course because of how gay friendly it is.

He's out of your league!

One of my huge dilemmas with relationships, I feel, is that I tend to end up with guys who I believe to be out of my league. My friends always roll their eyes at me when I tell them that such and such person is way too attractive for me. Some of them even go on to say that I'm too good for that person, or others say that no such thing exists as long as the two of you are true about each other. I totally agree with the latter statement, but if you believe that someone is out of your league, you tend to become totally awkward when meeting their friends, when displaying affection in public, and so on.

Recently I've been flirting more and more with a total pretty boy... I'm not sure if he's gay... but he blushes whenever I do anything for him, things as simple as opening a door for him. I don't flirt with him to try to get something started between us, I just think he's really cute and I don't think he even notices that he's flirting when he compliments me (okay, he's only done it twice, but that's still something). Here's the problem, I'm starting to think that he's interested in becoming more than just acquaintances, but I don't know if that means better friends or dating (like I said, I don't even know if he's gay). I just can't read him because he's way too hot and I think he just acts the way he does because he knows that everyone wants him...and even if he were to like me, I'd feel way too intimidated to go out with him. Feeling intimidated has never stopped me from getting involved with someone before, but this guy would even intimidate the hell out of the guys that I've felt intimidated about. God it's so confusing to feel that someone who you feel would never like you might actually be into you, while at the same time thinking that if this person really does have those feelings, that they're just fleeting feelings, because again, they would never be into you...and still at the same time, feeling that you're stupid for not making any advances because you think that it's this person's obligation to ask you out because they're more attractive than you are!!!

Touring Europe

So I'm going to be living (studying abroad) in Bordeaux later this year from August until January... I've never been to Europe so I want to get to travel around Europe as much as possible while I'm there, but obviously I can't go everywhere I want, and my econ classes keep reminding me that scarcity means I might regret going somewhere in lieu of some other place! Here's my for sure list of cities I'm going to visit: Paris, Bilbao, Barcelona, Bologna, Rome and Prague. I might fly first to London instead of going directly to France because flights from San Diego or L.A. to Bordeaux (and Paris) are brutally expensive and my wallet doesn't feel like getting beat up more than it already will (the Euro is worth almost 1.5 dollars)!!!

So if it does work out better to go to London first, I might as well go to Amsterdam and Brussels before getting to Paris and eventually Bordeaux. I really want to see these places, but maybe I might want to save that money to see more of Spain and also to get to go to Portugal. Maybe I might prefer to see the fjords of Norway or Iceland; or go skiing in Switzerland; or visit other major European cities like Berlin, Stockholm, Athens; or venture out of Europe and into Isreal; or go to Ireland and Scotland. Ok those places would all be more expensive than getting to Amsterdam and Brussels from London, but it's still something I'm undecided about.

Man I'm thinking as if I'm never going to get the chance to see Europe again. But who knows, it might be the last time that I get to live there for such an extensive period and while not being tied down by a full time job.

Then there's something else about who I am right now and what Bordeaux will mean because of that: I'm single, I'm thinking I'll still be single by the time I get there, and I'm going to be around a lot of Frenchmen, which needless to say, can be sexy as fuck. Should I limit myself to innocent dating while there or should I become a total whore? Should I keep an open mind and an open heart, open enough for a relationship? Casual sex is not really my thing, but hey I'm only young once...so should I proceed the advances of men even while in other countries like Spain and Italy, or should I stay on the safe side and pass these guys up? Or what if I'm faced with the complete opposite: what if I don't even make one gay friend. Bordeaux is not Paris or Berlin and from what I've researched online (gaybar.com) it doesn't have much gay nightlife and also the University of Bordeaux doesn't even have a LGBT center. Hopefully I'll just happen to come across the right group of people, and in reality that means gay or straight...