Getting over an unrealized relationship

How do you get over someone that wasn't really there in the first place?

Maybe blogging about it will help...

After the first time (as an adult) that I had casual sex, I promised myself never to indulge in it again. It left me feeling way too empty because it reminded me of what I didn't have - a boyfriend. At the time I was still pretty much in the closet, so finding a boyfriend felt impossible and even frightening. But during the summer, a couple of months after turning 21, careless of who knew I was gay (not exactly true but still!), I found myself at a gay club with some friends in Hillcrest. I had only been to gay bars in West Hollywood, so I was super-excited to "discover" San Diego's gay nightlife. I received an admiring glance from a guy walking down University Av. Later on that night, I came across this same guy inside the club. He seemed really down to Earth and in need of some friends - he was from NorCal and had just arrived to San Diego to stay here for a few months. After talking for a while I starting falling for him and feeling sad after finding out that he was a lot older than I thought he was. I just felt that he would've made a good boyfriend but that he could really care less about me because of our large age gap (13 years)...

We were having a very simple get-to-know-each-other conversation, no flirting or anything, and suddenly this guy asks if he could kiss me; his exact words were: "Should I kiss you?" I thought that was so damn cute, so after recuperating from being caught off guard, I told him that yeah, he should. It got hot and heavy really fast, so he suggested that we head back to his place. It didn't even cross my mind that I was breaking my promise, I just wanted to be close to him. He was just really sweet; my friends even reassured me that he seemed like a trustworthy guy. The conversation on our ride to his place, like at the club, was a real conversation; we were getting to actually know each other. This made me feel really comfortable around him, so much that I didn't even feel that this was casual. We got to his place, and kissed quite passionately...I was really nervous because I started to think, God this might only last one night. And while having sex, we held hands for a while and I felt really connected to him, but at the same time really confused about how casual this was...afterwards, he asked me to cuddle with him. I thought to myself, okay, I'm not really experienced in the casual sex department (again, as an adult, the teenage years are a completely different story!), but who the hell cuddles in a one-night-stand. No one right?

So I just figured that he actually liked me. The next day we decided to hang out - so no walk of shame for me just yet...lol. I ended up staying another night...which was perfect again. We made so many plans for what we were going to do the following weeks. When I went home, I thought, wow, I am so glad that I didn't refrain from going home with him. But a week later, when speaking on the phone, he gave me the "I'll call you soon" goodbye. We didn't speak again until we bumped into each other the next week- get this, at the club where we met! He was with guys his own age, so I just decided not to speak to him and accept the fact that he was too old for me. I ended up getting drunk and acting like an idiot...then after staring at Mr. Perfect, he comes to speak to me. I let him know that I thought he was a jerk and how stupid I felt...he hugged me and told me not to feel stupid, that the reason why he hadn't gotten back to me was because he didn't want to be in a relationship with anybody, not just me...uhh, that's not what it seemed like to me...he then said that he was actually planning on getting back to me...then we kissed, a real kiss...God I was so confused...we hung out a few times after that, but it was just really awkward and I really couldn't be myself around him anymore. I still liked him a lot though, and I didn't want to lose him so I just went along with whatever he wanted to do. But then, he tells me not to take it personal...but, again, that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He reminds me that he likes me, so that he wants us to be friends. FRIENDS!!! Man I felt like he tore my heart right out of my chest. All of that, let's go here and there, let's do this and that...was all fake. Even our friendship after that was fake...so fake that he eventually decides to ignore my calls and texts after making it seem like we actually had a real connection with one another.

After enjoying picturing us doing the things he said he wanted to do, after our emotionally-charged kisses, after fantasizing about him while I masturbated, after thinking of him fondly while I passed by the museum in which he surprise kissed me, after having him reassure me about how he didn't want to hurt me, I find out that this guy doesn't want me in his life. He never really did anything wrong, besides make it seem like we were going to have a good relationship...so I really had no other way than to think of him as dead. This loss was very real even though it was such an unconventional relationship. I couldn't hate him, so it really felt like he had died. I was so depressed afterwards - for way longer than I had even expected (and yeah, I still kind of am, moving in to a new year and all!)...whenever I wanted to call him just to ask how he was, I knew that it was pointless because I wouldn't even get to hear his voice. Whenever I started to like anyone else, I felt that I would only be trying to replace him.

So this dead guy that was never really alive, like a vampire sucked out so much of my energy.