Burdigala...

J'aimerais te voir couverte de neige...

Quinconces

Bordeaux la nuit

Bx - Dans le Grand Théâtre

LE TOURISTE : Je voudrais bien savoir qui est cette jolie femme que je suis.
-Jacques Prévert

La Dune du Pyla

L'esprit s'élargie lorsque l'on voit la plus haute dune d'Europe.

Place de la Comédie

A mon avis, la place de la Comédie c'est la plus belle de Bordeaux.

Aquitaine

Prise d'une route de l'Aquitaine (département de la Gironde).

Paris - A côté du Centre Pompidou

Aujourd'hui je complète un mois de séjour en Europe.

Drame au CAPC

Chambre à Bordeaux

Bedroom in Arles

Un oiseaux de bois

Une caisse des Basques

Un nouveau toit

Mon petit ours

L'anglais, l'espagnol, la langue française me rend fou

Tu connais la blague de la chaise?

Moi non

Ô C'est trop

Bordeaux - Hôtel de Ville

The Dark Knight

Heath Ledger...it was hard seeing him totally transformed into this twisted character. He became the Joker; I believed every second of his performance. It was more than acting...and I can't get that out of my mind. There was something in that dark laugh that was real...something in his voice that was truly meant...and that's how he's going to be remembered. What a way to close the drapes.

Falling Over the End of the Universe

Funny that one of the reasons as to why I decided to apply to study abroad in France was because of how far away it is from California and now that is the exact reason for my lack of excitement about going. Maybe I'll grow from the whole process, but then again maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just be a sad puppy wishing I were home. I'm already homesick and I haven't even left.

I've been living with my boyfriend of 5 months for a month now...and in the next month I'll be going on an adventure that was meant to explore the world and myself along the way. But that's ironically already happened, I've already found my place in the world and that's here. I never imagined falling in love at 22...but it happened...and now I have to go away. I feel like I'm falling over the end of the universe.

QUI SUI/S-JE?

SUI/S-JE VR/A/I OU SUI/S-JE UN PER/SON/NAG/E, UNE PEI/NTU/RE, OU UN ACT/EUR?

HAB/ITE-JE PRE/S DE /L/A M/E/R, DAN/S LE CEN/TRE-VIL/LE, OU DAN/S UN LIEU QUI NE VA JAM/AIS EXI/STE/R?

SUI/S-JE UN OUR/S VOY/AGE/ANT, UN BAT/EAU PER/DU DAN/S UNE FOR/ET, OU UNE STA/TUE VIV/ANT/E?

PUI/S-JE PAR/LER, PUI/S-JE ECO/UTE/R, PUI/S-JE VOI/R QUE LA TRI/STE/SSE ET LE BON/HEU/R DIR/IGE/NT LA VIE?

VEU/X/-JE MEM/ORI/SER LE NEA\NT OU OUB/LIE/R L'IN\FIN\I?

Des bonnes nouvelles

Bon Dieu...Je viens de lire que Bordeaux est une des moins chères métropoles françaises! Le coût de la vie à Paris est plus cher d'un 18%. Aussi, Bordeaux offre un meilleur rapport qualité/prix que Toulouse, Montpellier, Marseille et Lyon. En plus, dans une comparaison internationale, Frankfurt, Barcelone, et Manchester sont plus chères. Par contre, Porto, Portugal et Nantes, France sont moins chères que Bordeaux.

Dans 5 semaines je laisserai la Californie du Sud pour 4 mois pour étudier à l'Université de Michel Montaigne Bordeaux 3. Tout le monde me rappelle que je retournera de l'Europe sans argent...mais le loyer moyen à San Diego pour un studio est environ 665 Euros par mois. Pour un studio à Bordeaux, c'est 448 Euros. Alors, on peut conclure que Bordeaux est une ville faite pour les étudiants!

Malgré ces bonnes nouvelles, avec chaque jour qui passe je deviens plus et plus attristé de devoir laisser tous ici pour si longtemps. J'ai peur de l'isolation...je suis comme un enfant avec des parents très rigides qui vont m'envoyer dans un internat parce que j'ai dit un mensonge qui a créé plus de dommage que je ne pouvais pas imaginer. :(

Les sources pour le coût de vie à Bordeaux:
http://www.vivre-bordeaux.com/bra/cout_vie.asp
http://www.vivre-bordeaux.com/bra/logement_habiter_ville.asp

Russian Ark

West Hollywood is home to many Russians...so the public library here has loads of Russian DVDs to check out (the public library is located across the street from the Pacific Design Center photographed here). I just watched the "Russian Ark," the only modern film to have been shot in one single take. It was filmed at the Hermitage museum in St. Petersburg. It's about Russia's history and its relationship with Europe. I didn't know what to expect from the movie but as soon as it began I knew that this was an extraordinary film.

The screen is black and a ghostly voice mentions that there was some sort of accident but that he's not sure what's happened to him. We soon find out that he's invisible...then he notices a man wandering around the palace. The narrator represents Russia and on the other hand, this man he encounters with disheveled hair and black clothes symbolizes France, or Western Europe in general. The Frenchman confusingly asks, "which language are we speaking in?" in perfect Russian. That's when we find out that he's an outsider. The Frenchman is dead as well, but unlike the Russian, he's not invisible. He roams about freely and says what he pleases about Russia...essentially capturing the notion that many Western Europeans (or any Westerner for that matter) have that Russians can't think for themselves. The movie is very true to Russia's history...there's even a spy following the Frenchman around, who's hardly even noticeable...but in the end, I was convinced that Russia, or at least St. Petersburg, is a fascinating place and that it will remain so.

My favorite scene is the one in which the narrator follows Catherine the Great (who bought many of the masterpieces on dispaly at the Hermitage) out into the freezing snowed up courtyard...they're running as fast as possible, almost as if they knew that a ghost were following them.

Summer

So much has changed in my life in the past few weeks...First of all, I moved to West Hollywood for the summer...with a boy! A boy that I almost didn't get to live with because when we attended the gay pride parade I was a little distracted by all the damn hot men parading around. I wasn't interested in anyone but I guess I was too friendly with the guys that were paying attention to me. It was my first pride event though so he understood.

Then, my arrival travel arrangements to Europe have been pretty much finalized. I got my visa, my round-trip ticket to and from London (Air New Zealand), hotel and hostel arrangements in London and Paris...and a one-way plane ticket to Bordeaux from Paris. I leave to Europe on August 22nd. I don't quite feel prepared mentally however for this. It's going to be my first time traveling alone (I've taken an airplane alone before, but never travelled entirely alone to another country). I do have friends planning on visiting though so that's a relief to me.

Another thing that's changed is one that's kind of confusing to me. In high school I was called queer and fag a few times, but it was only once that someone seriously meant that. Here in Hollywood I've been called fag like 5 times in the past three weeks...in the gayest place on Earth after San Francisco. West Hollywood is pretty upscale...but in touristy Hollywood (by the Kodak Theatre) about a mile away where I take the metro there are people walking around in costumes, in drag, in dirty punk rock clothes every damn day...I look more conservative than any hardcore Republican there yet I still manage to get called a fag. I guess I'm just having a hard time readjusting to the quirks of Los Angeles after being in relaxed San Diego for a few years.

San Diego, I'll be back in your non-name-calling arms in January.

I took the photograph of the hot trapeze guy at the gay pride event.

College

Before the start of my senior year in college I had a 3.78 GPA...I had aspirations to go to the University of Pennsylvania to participate in their MBA/MA -Lauder Program or to another prestigious university, like the University of Chicago. But unfortunately for the past year I've felt less motivated, even angry with professors (to the point where I had a heated discussion about reversed sexism with the head of the French program from the literature department). My GPA is now a 3.42, which is still not bad but it's not a good description of how serious I take school I feel. This quarter I've been oddly getting really good grades though when I haven't really been trying. For example, I wrote one of my French papers the day of the deadline and I got an A on it. Now I feel like I should actually study really hard for my final exams, but I can't seem to get myself to do it. I just simply don't want to. I don't even understand why...when I'm reading sometimes I enjoy the material but I always get so damn bored. I have another year left to go since I'm double majoring, but it took some convincing from my friends to actually consider completing it. I wanted to just graduate already the next quarter after coming back from France...but they're right, another year won't kill me.

I don't always understand my own feelings...but I have come up with some theories as to why I'm so dissatisfied with school right now. First, I'm not wealthy, in fact, I get no help from my family...I share a tiny one bedroom apartment with my two friends (it is in La Jolla however so I guess I shouldn't really complain about that). So if I graduated right now, I would be about 60,000 times better off financially. But the returns from schooling go beyond income. One extra year of school would allow me to write honors theses, to study advanced Spanish, and to increase my GPA...all of which will increase my chances of getting into a good graduate school and allow me to fulfill some more of my thirst for knowledge. So the debate is money vs. knowledge.

Another theory is that I like to go on Youtube all the time and press the headphones tightly against my ears while listening to M83. Maybe this is not only distracting me but also messing up the inner workings of my brain.

Then, there's the heaviest theory...I don't want to live forever. Why the hell am I here, sitting in lame lecture halls, working for some bitch and a coward, being surrounded by a massive amount of Asians that I can't relate to (FYI, there are many Asians that are near and dear to my heart, but none of them attend this university)...when I could be out in the real world. When I could live in L.A. where my dad and brother lives, where I could see my cute little niece whenever I want, where I could be with the man that I'm step by step falling in love with. I've been in school my entire life, I want to know what it's like to really be alive before I die.

Same-sex marriage in CA

Same-sex marriage is now legal in CA...wow...I am so proud of my state. I seriously thought that it would be years from now when that would happen. Hmm...are gays now going to be held accountable by their parents to look for respectable future husbands??? It's pretty funny that I'm wearing a shirt today that says "dieu m'a fait gai"..."god made me happy," which can obviously be read as "God made me gay."

The world is changing, who would've guessed?

Expressing myself visually

Just got myself a new awesome camera...a Nikon Coolpix.

Here's the first image to go up...as a side note: I had just stepped out of a mausoleum when I took this photo. I think I should title it Ethereal Glaze.

French Consulate

The date is getting closer for my rendez-vous at the French consulate to get my visa!!! Up to a few weeks ago, it was all excitement. But then the uncertainties that comprise living abroad finally hit me and I got seriously depressed about being away from my family and from the lovely man I've been seeing for the past three months and the expenses. The expenses...oh dear Lord, registering with CampusFrance, $60, university fees, over $5000, round-trip airfare, at least $1000...it never ends. Well...for the meantime, I'll just have to pretend that being in debt is not a big deal...

Guernica

This short video is pretty damn awesome. Although I don't think Picasso intended Guernica to be interpreted as a work of personal despair as much as it was a reaction to the Nazi bombings in the Northern Spanish town of Guernica, this elucidation could very well be one of the results from having lost someone from the bombings. Anyhow, without even thinking about the historical setting, the painting renders the universality of human suffering. Also, this video still doesn't defy Picasso's principal intention because it plays on visualizing art through someone else's art and another's again and again...including the creator of this work.

My immediate reaction to finding the animated guy, who I'm going to call Jules, in Van Gogh's "Room at Arles" was a feeling of emptiness...I instantly recognized where Jules was...in the bright and colorful yet lonely and empty bedroom that Van Gogh painted...and thinking about the mental anguish that Van Gogh suffered and his suicide reminded me of my own sadness and seeing Jules wake up there confused, as if he was experiencing someone else's life at the same time as his own called back this wish I'd always make when I was a child. I'd lay down on the living room sofa and I'd face toward the inside of it and put a pillow over my face to hide myself from the light and I'd pray to never have been born so that I wouldn't have to feel bad about wanting to kill myself because my mother was ill and I just couldn't stand myself and I never liked talking to anyone and I was always anxious. I seriously believed that if I prayed hard enough God would grant me my wish...but here I am so we know that didn't happen!

When Jules crushes the helpless butterfly I can't help but think how cute his innocence is...recalling that all he was was a figure in a painting. But then seeing poor Jules confined by those endless stairs made it evident that the only escape from the tortures of life is death...and the sorrow streaming from the flute...and the lack of vibrant colors... added to this melancholic realization. Finally, a full transition back to the mournful black and white painting...

Un jour, une semaine...

Le Mexique. La catedral de Guadalajara. Vodka. Pyramid mounds. Tristesse. A taxi, a bus. Cerveza. L'urbanité. Les montagnes.

Les yeux gris. Disappointment. La soledad. HIV test, negative. Drinking, arguments. Midterms, Finals. Aviones.

Montréal. La neige. English. French. anglais. français. Le métro. Dance. Las iglesias. El arte.

Drive. San Diego. Los Angeles. La Jolla. West Hollywood. Las autopistas. Study. Play.

The city. The bay. The bridge. The fog. The rainbow flag. The paint.

Application. Acceptance letter. Domestic. International.

Bordeaux. Stay. Go. HIV test, Wednesday.

Read. Write. Exams.

Death. Grief.

Vida.

San Francisco

Last week was Spring Break and I went to a city I thought I would never visit again. The first time I went to San Francisco I thought it was too dirty, too cold, too boring and too weird. But part of the negativity was due to the fact that I went with people that I didn't really like...to be honest, I thought they were totally lame. But a road trip sounded fun so I went for it. Fortunately for me they turned out to be so lame that they ended up saving my life because if they had taken me to walk over the Golden Gate Bridge like I had hoped I would have probably just jumped off right there and then.

So no Golden Gate Bridge, no Lombard St., no Castro district, no ride on a cable car, no Chinatown...just an ugly old house with no heater and an occasional restaurant that didn't live up to the reputation the city has for its food.

So I took a plane ride back up there to visit a friend that promised to let me do all of the touristy things...and guess what...I actually had a great time up there. The weather was chilly but I loved it...the city was still dirty every now and then and some of the accessories people wear up there, like capes and huge chains and scary makeup, still made me question how being liberal is not always the greatest thing...but San Francisco truly does have a character of its own...the architecture is by far very unique to the city. One example of how much attention is paid to the buildings there is that many of the structures with circular corners actually have windows with curved glass.

This time I did get to see Lombard St., and Chinatown, and the Castro district, and most importantly, I got to walk over the Golden Gate Bridge. The weather there was chilly all week but there was no typical SF fog. That was a good thing for the panoramic views across the city... but I've always pictured myself walking across the bridge under a thick and damp fog. I was still excited to walk over that bridge...but it started getting late so my friend asked if we could do that the following day. That was kind of disappointing but the next day the city was covered in fog and I got to take an hour and a half walk across and back on that bridge just like I had always imagined it: wet, windy, cold, and blindingly foggy. I seriously felt accomplished walking over that bridge...it was like a coming of age thing that I had always felt I had to do and almost didn't because of how displeasing my first trip up there was.

Older men

When friends turn 21, there's nothing more obvious than to take them out clubbing and bar hopping. A high school buddy from L.A. just turned 21 last week and hadn't had the chance to go to a bar yet, so we went to Silverlake for a drink and then headed over to West Hollywood to another bar and eventually to Rage... It was there at Rage that my friend got to see a side of me that he had never seen before - I'm into older men, something that I myself don't fully comprehend.

After a small break we headed back to the dance floor...and right before we started dancing an older man's eyes met mine...and he frankly signaled his interest by smiling and nodding his head. Me and my friend started dancing and I kept looking at this guy. He then walked closer to us and took the seat that was nearby us. Man, if I weren't buzzed I would not have been able to have handled such an interested man observe me dancing... Every now and then I'd look over to make eye contact with him, and he'd just smile and stare at me, making it clear that he was soon going to approach me. I started to feel that maybe I should stop looking at him, that maybe leading an older man on is not what I want to do right now. But I couldn't have helped it, I liked his attention.

So they made the last call for a dance, which was when my friend finally noticed this man. I hadn't even realized though that my friend noticed him looking at me...it wasn't until later that he told me that he saw him gazing at me with great intent. The song finished so my friend and I naturally started to walk away from the dance floor and headed toward the exit...and the older guy just appeared right in from of me and asked me what my name was. My friend I guess saw that coming because he had walked toward the wall and took out his phone to attend, or pretend to attend to it like a second before.

He told me his name and then said that he liked the way that I danced, which was a pretty typical compliment I thought, but right when he said that they started playing another song so appropriately he asked me to dance with him. It was a pretty slow song so he took advantage and pulled me in closer. I tried to keep our conversation casual, but he went right into his status report. He doesn't drink much, but he smokes, he's been in two long term relationships that lasted both about 7 years, and he's 44. That's right, 44. I had already told him that I was 21 and when he said that he was 44 we both looked at each other knowing that what we were getting into was kind of wrong. He then joked by saying that he was old enough to be my daddy and then hugging me pretty damn tightly. At that point I mentioned that I could always use more friends in L.A. He quickly replied saying "what I need is you." He wasn't going to let it go. We kept dancing and the conversation finally became a little less aggressive...I really didn't know how I felt about him...I felt kind of excited by how honest his remarks were, like after I told him that I'm from San Diego he mentioned that he was willing to get a hotel for us down there. Then there was the boner he was getting a few seconds after we had started dancing... My friend kept staring at me with this look of confusion, discontent, but also even a bit of humor. Looking at him I thought, you know what I have my own interests, and part of those interests are older men. So me and this guy kissed, it wasn't the greatest kiss but I liked the way his rough shaven face felt.

This is where things got a little too carried away, after exchanging numbers this random guy, standing alone leaning on a pillar, was just smiling at us. Of course these two guys knew each other, and pillar guy takes my hand to introduce himself to me, and he holds my hand tightly and asks my friend if I was his ride home. My friend went right ahead and said, "yeah, we came together and we're leaving together." So then pillar guy tells me that I better call his friend...and finally he let go of my hand.

I went home discussing with my friend how I know that I shouldn't make or allow any further advances, but that I want to. 44 is not in my relationship or dating territory, but something inside of me that I don't understand wants him to conquer me.

A few updates

So here are a few updates regarding unclosed topics I've written about in previous posts. The pretty boy I was talking about in my last entry is, (sadly for him!), STRAIGHT!!! Damn metrosexuals, who do they think they are leading on gay men???

When I wrote about coming out, I mentioned that I was dying to tell one of my friends that I'm gay but just couldn't get myself to do it. Well, I finally did it! I did it this past Friday; we haven't hung out again yet so I don't know how that's going to change our friendship, but she reassured me that she was glad that I decided to have my sexuality be out there in the open. I feel pretty damn accomplished...just thinking about how when I started college I didn't picture myself coming out to anyone until I had graduated. Wow, that would've been sad. Being closeted is so damn lonely; the way I saw the future and how I planned things out for myself were really dispiriting to say the least. The images of my future that I had in my head were always characterized by some sort of alienation. I really feared being shut out and humiliated for being gay, and ironically that was what I would plan out for myself. I projected moving to Paris and never returning to the States, losing contact with my family, even losing contact with my American identity, just simply forgetting about who I was in the U.S.. But fortunately, I've become a much more confident person who isn't ashamed of being gay.

In regards to studying in France and moving to Montreal in the future, the plans are still on. Just wanted to clarify that I'm not heading to these places to get away from my life here, instead it's to strengthen my French...living abroad is just my way of taking advantage of being trilingual (Spanish is my third language)...and Montreal isn't just a bilingual city, it's a multilingual city and when I visited Montreal I really felt at home there because of that and also of course because of how gay friendly it is.

He's out of your league!

One of my huge dilemmas with relationships, I feel, is that I tend to end up with guys who I believe to be out of my league. My friends always roll their eyes at me when I tell them that such and such person is way too attractive for me. Some of them even go on to say that I'm too good for that person, or others say that no such thing exists as long as the two of you are true about each other. I totally agree with the latter statement, but if you believe that someone is out of your league, you tend to become totally awkward when meeting their friends, when displaying affection in public, and so on.

Recently I've been flirting more and more with a total pretty boy... I'm not sure if he's gay... but he blushes whenever I do anything for him, things as simple as opening a door for him. I don't flirt with him to try to get something started between us, I just think he's really cute and I don't think he even notices that he's flirting when he compliments me (okay, he's only done it twice, but that's still something). Here's the problem, I'm starting to think that he's interested in becoming more than just acquaintances, but I don't know if that means better friends or dating (like I said, I don't even know if he's gay). I just can't read him because he's way too hot and I think he just acts the way he does because he knows that everyone wants him...and even if he were to like me, I'd feel way too intimidated to go out with him. Feeling intimidated has never stopped me from getting involved with someone before, but this guy would even intimidate the hell out of the guys that I've felt intimidated about. God it's so confusing to feel that someone who you feel would never like you might actually be into you, while at the same time thinking that if this person really does have those feelings, that they're just fleeting feelings, because again, they would never be into you...and still at the same time, feeling that you're stupid for not making any advances because you think that it's this person's obligation to ask you out because they're more attractive than you are!!!

Touring Europe

So I'm going to be living (studying abroad) in Bordeaux later this year from August until January... I've never been to Europe so I want to get to travel around Europe as much as possible while I'm there, but obviously I can't go everywhere I want, and my econ classes keep reminding me that scarcity means I might regret going somewhere in lieu of some other place! Here's my for sure list of cities I'm going to visit: Paris, Bilbao, Barcelona, Bologna, Rome and Prague. I might fly first to London instead of going directly to France because flights from San Diego or L.A. to Bordeaux (and Paris) are brutally expensive and my wallet doesn't feel like getting beat up more than it already will (the Euro is worth almost 1.5 dollars)!!!

So if it does work out better to go to London first, I might as well go to Amsterdam and Brussels before getting to Paris and eventually Bordeaux. I really want to see these places, but maybe I might want to save that money to see more of Spain and also to get to go to Portugal. Maybe I might prefer to see the fjords of Norway or Iceland; or go skiing in Switzerland; or visit other major European cities like Berlin, Stockholm, Athens; or venture out of Europe and into Isreal; or go to Ireland and Scotland. Ok those places would all be more expensive than getting to Amsterdam and Brussels from London, but it's still something I'm undecided about.

Man I'm thinking as if I'm never going to get the chance to see Europe again. But who knows, it might be the last time that I get to live there for such an extensive period and while not being tied down by a full time job.

Then there's something else about who I am right now and what Bordeaux will mean because of that: I'm single, I'm thinking I'll still be single by the time I get there, and I'm going to be around a lot of Frenchmen, which needless to say, can be sexy as fuck. Should I limit myself to innocent dating while there or should I become a total whore? Should I keep an open mind and an open heart, open enough for a relationship? Casual sex is not really my thing, but hey I'm only young once...so should I proceed the advances of men even while in other countries like Spain and Italy, or should I stay on the safe side and pass these guys up? Or what if I'm faced with the complete opposite: what if I don't even make one gay friend. Bordeaux is not Paris or Berlin and from what I've researched online (gaybar.com) it doesn't have much gay nightlife and also the University of Bordeaux doesn't even have a LGBT center. Hopefully I'll just happen to come across the right group of people, and in reality that means gay or straight...

On coming out

Coming out has got to be one of the hardest things in any gay boy's life... I first told someone that I was gay when I was 18. I was filled with shame, keeping note that feeling shame is an understatement here, for having had an enduring but entirely sexual relationship with another boy. Specifically because we were quite young when we started, and for having continued our sexual exploration for over five years (if you know anything about math, this means we were very young!!!) even when we knew that the only thing that kept us together was our obsession for sexual contact. In fact, I hated this boy... It was such a damn deep source of confusion... I didn't know why I kept wanting to touch his naked body and he mine, why I didn't care whether we were indoors or outdoors, why I wanted to kiss him everywhere but his lips. I knew I was gay - that, I never really questioned - but I didn't know whether I just wanted to have sex with men or if I wanted to one day be in a loving relationship with a man. I would just look at men and see nothing in them other than the desire to have them fill my mouth with their manhood and have them force me to bend over. But at 18 years old, I started to think differently. I started to want to be in a relationship with a guy. So I had to get over the shame of being gay, because there is no shame in loving someone. I think I was right to have felt dirty and disgraced about our sexual relationship, but not for having been ashamed of being gay, instead for having subjected myself to a lengthy relationship with someone that I had no emotional attachment to whatsoever. So I explained all of this to a friend that trusted me with her own secrets, in a quite emotional letter, which also included the lamentable associations of my hatred toward that boy (the reasons why I hated him).

It took me a while to start telling her about the guys I was developing crushes for, but since she was really supportive, I eventually gave in to expressing the deeper feelings I had for men. Although I've come a really long way, I'm still not totally out (but I've gotten as far as telling some members of my family). I never deny my sexual orientation when asked, but that's just it, I wait until I'm asked. Whenever I meet new people, I'll say "I'm gay," if it's relevant to whatever we're discussing. But with older friends, even with friends that really matter, I haven't confirmed my homosexuality to them. There's actually one person in specific that I've been wanting to tell so bad, one of my dearest friends. But I just can't. It's really bad, God this is going to sound horrible, but I've actually asked all of my friends that do know that I'm gay not to tell her. And as time keeps adding up, it's getting harder and harder for me to tell her because I feel that she's going to call me out on not having let her know who I really am. And I know that she's not going to judge me or anything like that, but our friendship is meaningful, which makes me feel that she's going to think that I'm just a complete liar. I've been trying to hint at it, saying things like wow, that's a really handsome man... or last quarter for example, I told her how addicted I was to watching Queer as Folk on DVD. I'd talk about the characters as if they were real people!!! Yet she keeps asking me about what I think of when girls do this and that, which actresses do I think are pretty (uhh...a lot of them, which doesn't really help me tell her that I'm gay)...Maybe I should just ask her to read this blog!

The Radio Dept. - Pulling Our Weight

This video is way too cute. I first heard this song in Marie Antoinette, which has a pretty cool soundtrack all-around. If I were to make a soundtrack for my life, this song would definitely go on there. The lines "We barely touched, As if being watched," and the singer's faint voice reminds me of how lonely I can feel when I'm falling for someone. I'm mainly attracted to older men, which makes me feel really vulnerable sometimes; especially right now that there's this particular grad student at my university who's showing interest in me (who I've had a crush on for a while now). But back to the Radio Dept.'s music...there's another song of theirs that's on the Marie Antoinette soundtrack that I really like. It's called Keen on Boys, which like the title suggests, is a pretty homoerotic song...

I heart Québec!!!

This past Winter break my roommates and I went to Québec. I didn't really know what to expect from Montréal, but I thought that it would be pretty cool because people speak French there...and being a French-speaker, I've always wanted to visit. Montréal actually turned out to be more than just pretty cool, Montréal is Fucking Amazing! I didn't want to leave - I WANT TO LIVE THERE. What I loved the most is that Montréal is not a pretentious city...for example, the Gay Village is indicated on Montréal's maps and one of the metro stations at the Village has rainbow pillars at the entrance (the Beaudry station). I was also impressed by how lively the city is...even when the weather drops to the teens and the single digits, there are always people out and about, even at four in the morning (I couldn't sleep some nights because I was just too excited...so that's how I noticed). I think another reason why I liked it so much is because of how different it is from Southern California: you can get by w/o a car, the people are a hell of a lot friendlier (not that people aren't cool here), and of course, the snow. Another great thing was the food - I found everything that I could find here, from Mexican food to Jewish food (mmm...Hallah bread is one my favorites). The only complaint I had about Québec was, in reality, a complaint about the U.S...everything seemed expensive, because the U.S. dollar sucks...One day, Montréal will be my home!